Free Valentine’s Day Cards for Gamers
It’s that time of year again. Love is in the air, suicide rates are spiking, and businesses everywhere are lying and trying to take advantage of you. Some companies are spending millions in television advertising to convince you that buying pajamas on the internet will get you laid. Or perhaps the woman you desire will finally surrender to you once she sees that you’ve bought her a teddy bear that cost more than the Prestige Edition of Modern Warfare 2? What about diamonds, or the boxes of chocolates where you only end up getting one or two bites of the one you really like? Maybe a really expensive, super-special arrangement of flowers from that guy with the commercials who gives off the distinct impression he might be considering marriage someday in the state where they make the pricey teddy bears? That’s not likely to do it either.
The brutal truth is that the only people guaranteed to be stimulated this evening are the flower shop owners and Hallmark store managers. Plus, in the opinion of this aging writer, if you’re having to pay for it you’re with the type of chick you might as well try and get the money back from once she’s refilled your health meter. Instead you need to keep your Modern Warfare 2 NVGs turned on and eyes peeled for the type of girl that cares more about a players Mana then his gold. A woman who’ll start an Army of Two with you and always give her all playing Co-op even when you’re wounded and it looks like you won’t have ammo enough to make it to the next save checkpoint.
They are hard to spot and even harder to convince to join your party. After all, if your a hardcore gamer reading this then evolutionary psychology has your desirability level just above someone in high school band, and just below chess club members (who tend to go on to having higher average incomes).
But don’t despair – I’m proof that even the biggest nerds can end up with amazing women. (Happy Valentine’s Day, Noelle. I love you and thanks for all your patience and support.)
Until you find a really good co-op player yourself, save your money! Rather then fattening up Hallmark by surrendering $5 for a sappy poem in a piece of folded construction paper, print and cut out the handy Valentine’s cards we’ve provided. You’ll know she’s a keeper if she’s impressed by how frugal you are and gets the gaming jokes. Heck, if she turns out not to be “the one”, there’s still a good chance she’ll appreciate even a poor Gamer just needs to get his health gauge refilled sometimes.
(Originally created for a previous year, some might have lost a little of their relevance over time. Art by the amazing Chris McGuire.)
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