‘LoL’ Keyboard Debuts, America Becomes 5% Dumber
As you can see from the image above (stolen from Kotaku), Americans have apparently demanded a dumber, lazier keyboard to help facilitate this already overly persistent Internet lingo that has given us such imaginatively constructed “words” such as “TTYL” and “BRB.”
Well, luckily for consumers, Fast Finger Keyboards has debuted its official hyper-ergonomic/brain dead keyboard that switches between alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts and contains such highly necessary everyday initialisms such as “BTW.”
[Note from the grammar ninja: "BTW" is not an acronym. To quote the immortal words of the ultimate grammar policeman, George Carlin: "An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They're just pricks."]
Yes, thanks to Fast Finger Keyboards, now you too can kill brain cells by typing “lol” with a single keystroke. Much like the word “you,” which evidently contains two too-many letters for the majority of cell phone owners, “lol” needed to be shortened to some retarded form of “internet shorthand” (as evidenced by “u” being frequently substituted for “you”). But since that backfired, keyboard engineers simply reduced the number of keystrokes required to “lol,” increasing speed, efficiency and productivity in daily loling activities.
Not to be outdone by this stunning contribution to the further degradation of the English language, I have designed my own patented ULTIMATE PWNAGE keyboard which not only offers both alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts, but contains a built-in infra red sensor beam (like those found on your typical high-end public toilets) that detects whether your bedroom door is being unceremoniously opened without your approval and instantly closes your porn-viewing tabs before your wife/girlfriend/mom/Aunt Bertha scares the hell out you by screaming “That’s not what nurses are supposed to do!”
Additionally, the F1 through F12 keys will support the following ergonomic features:
F1 generates a random Chuck Norris joke in every available MMORPG chat channel.
F2 contains a rapid-fire turbo feature that transforms your squat/sit button into instant, high-speed teabagging controls.
F3 posts a random picture of Mr. T.
F4 embeds your forum signature with an ascii-based image of Wacko Jacko beating the shit out of a parked car at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video.
F5 links to this video of Steven Seagal saying “I’m going to take you to the bank, senator Trent. To the blood bank.”
F6 does the Mario.
F7 recites George Carlin’s seven dirty words you can’t say on television – seven times.
F8 links to this video of Tommy Davidson from In Living Color spoofing Wacko Jacko beating the shit out a parked at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video.
F9 translates your sentences into Australian.
F10 teaches you French with the special Groundkeeper Willie-edition of Rosetta Stone.
F11 queues an audio clip of Paul Hogan to tell your Modern Warfare 2 opponents “That’s not a knife.“
F12 does nothing noticeable at first, then gives you herpes two days later.
Satisfaction guaranteed or I commit seppuku.
Free Valentine’s Day Cards for Gamers
It’s that time of year again. Love is in the air, suicide rates are spiking, and businesses everywhere are lying and trying to take advantage of you. Some companies are spending millions in television advertising to convince you that buying pajamas on the internet will get you laid. Or perhaps the woman you desire will finally surrender to you once she sees that you’ve bought her a teddy bear that cost more than the Prestige Edition of Modern Warfare 2? What about diamonds, or the boxes of chocolates where you only end up getting one or two bites of the one you really like? Maybe a really expensive, super-special arrangement of flowers from that guy with the commercials who gives off the distinct impression he might be considering marriage someday in the state where they make the pricey teddy bears? That’s not likely to do it either.
The brutal truth is that the only people guaranteed to be stimulated this evening are the flower shop owners and Hallmark store managers. Plus, in the opinion of this aging writer, if you’re having to pay for it you’re with the type of chick you might as well try and get the money back from once she’s refilled your health meter. Instead you need to keep your Modern Warfare 2 NVGs turned on and eyes peeled for the type of girl that cares more about a players Mana then his gold. A woman who’ll start an Army of Two with you and always give her all playing Co-op even when you’re wounded and it looks like you won’t have ammo enough to make it to the next save checkpoint.
They are hard to spot and even harder to convince to join your party. After all, if your a hardcore gamer reading this then evolutionary psychology has your desirability level just above someone in high school band, and just below chess club members (who tend to go on to having higher average incomes).
But don’t despair – I’m proof that even the biggest nerds can end up with amazing women. (Happy Valentine’s Day, Noelle. I love you and thanks for all your patience and support.)
Until you find a really good co-op player yourself, save your money! Rather then fattening up Hallmark by surrendering $5 for a sappy poem in a piece of folded construction paper, print and cut out the handy Valentine’s cards we’ve provided. You’ll know she’s a keeper if she’s impressed by how frugal you are and gets the gaming jokes. Heck, if she turns out not to be “the one”, there’s still a good chance she’ll appreciate even a poor Gamer just needs to get his health gauge refilled sometimes.
(Originally created for a previous year, some might have lost a little of their relevance over time. Art by the amazing Chris McGuire.)
Free Gaming Valentine’s Day Cards from GameAlmighty!
It’s that time of year again, love is in the air, suicide rates are spiking, and businesses everywhere are lying and trying to take advantage of you. Some companies are spending millions in television advertising to convince you that buying pajamas on the internet will get you laid. Or perhaps the woman you desire will finally surrender to you once she sees that you’ve bought her a teddy bear that cost more than the Prestige Edition of Modern Warfare 2? What about diamonds, or the boxes of chocolates where you only end up getting one or two bites of the one you really like? Maybe a really expensive, super-special arrangement of flowers from that guy who gives off the distinct impression he might be considering marriage someday in the state where they make the pricey teddy bears? That’s not likely to do it either.
The brutal truth is that the only people guaranteed to be stimulated this evening are the flower shop owners and Hallmark store managers. Plus, in the opinion of this aging writer, if you’re having to pay for it you’re with the type of chick you might as well try and get the money back from once she’s refilled your health meter. Instead you need to keep your Modern Warfare 2 NVGs turned on and eyes peeled for the type of girl that cares more about a players Mana then his gold. A woman who’ll start an Army of Two with you and always give her all playing Co-op even when you’re wounded and it looks like you won’t have ammo enough to make it to the next save checkpoint.
They are hard to spot and even harder to convince to join your party. After all, if your a hardcore gamer reading this then evolutionary psychology has your desirability level just above someone in high school band, and just below chess club members (who tend to go on to having higher average incomes).
But don’t despair – I’m proof that even the biggest nerds can end up with amazing women. (Happy Valentine’s Day, Noelle. I love you and thanks for all your patience and support.)
Until you find a really good co-op player yourself, save your money! Rather then fattening up Hallmark by surrendering $5 for a sappy poem in a piece of folded construction paper print and cut out the handy Valentine’s cards we’ve provided. You’ll know she’s a keeper if she’s impressed by how frugal you are and gets the gaming jokes. Heck, if she turns out not to be “the one”, there’s still a good chance she’ll appreciate even a poor Gamer just needs to get his health gauge refilled sometimes.
(We used these once in the past and so some might have lost a little of their relevance. Art by the amazing Chris McGuire.)
The Top 10 Most Dangerous World PvP Areas of WoW
Going outside. It’s quite dangerous. Just ask a World of Warcraft player. Gang fights, turf disputes, trade swindling, imposing authorities, Mr. T. – and we’re not even talking about WoW yet.
So imagine what happens when you mix those things, rampant drug and alcohol usage, internet anonymity, a cross between GTA-style violence and Harry Potter-style witchery, 13-year-olds, and good old FPS teabagging. You get a rather dangerous place called a “PvP Realm.” Roughly translated for those who haven’t yet mastered WoW-speak, it means “open season on your ass.” But since Blizzard has yet to debut its patented in-game butt cup (available soon for only $10, limit one per account) to shield your character (aka toon) from unwanted posterior intrusions, you’ll have to settle with my $5 “Don’t-even-think-about-going-there” tour guide, provided to you free of charge.
So, without further adieu, I bring you, ranging from “hunting guide for Dick Cheney” to “sparring partner for Chuck Norris,” the top 10 most dangerous world PvP areas of WoW.
[A quick note to WoW players not yet accustomed to the sheer lunacy of PvP realms:
PvEers - pretend every zone not exclusively controlled by your faction is simply one of those magical places you call a "battleground," only with flight paths.
RPers - replace "you" with "thou," and "teabagging" with "a sampling of ye olde family jewels."]
#10 – Karazhan
Above: A typical Tuesday night outside Karazhan in 2007.
The old level-70, 10-man raid instance from Burning Crusade may be responsible for many things – starting a new approach that made making raid instances more accessible, causing Blizzard to incorporate 10-man options for all of its raid content in the Wrath of the Lich King expansion – but it will always be known for giving us one startling revelation above all: meeting stones and ganking go together like hookers and the clap.
Sure, Karazhan may not be much of a hot spot anymore, what with the level cap being raised to 80 and all, but back before WoW’s second expansion launched you couldn’t hover around the instance’s meeting stone on a weekday night for more than 10 seconds (let alone during the weekend) without getting gang raped by numerous members of the opposing faction.
The fact that both Horde and Alliance had to summon their raid members face-to-face while some dickweed rogue decided to run his own Sap-a-thon would often cause an arms race that rivaled the Soviet/American nuclear weapons buildup during the Cold War. The first side to amass a full 10-man group – or simply a larger group during more pressing moments – instantly waged full-scale war on the other side.
Beer, weed, energy drinks and A.D.D. all combined with impatience over waiting on that last raid member who just wouldn’t seem to get out of Warsong Gulch no matter how many times you told him. And when more raid groups started showing up, it simply boiled down to who wanted it the most, and who simply wanted some Tier 4.
But assuming your raid somehow succeeded in neutralizing all nearby hostiles, you’d still end up waiting on that supposed second tank your resto druid said he found in trade chat over 30 minutes ago. Thankfully, you could always fall back on dueling your guildies while you waited.
Chances of teabagging: medium.
First iPad Game Screenshot & Announcement Has Us Scratching Our Heads
We get a lot of press releases sent to us. Myself, it’s not unusual to see near a hundred of them hit my inbox in a day. With that much competition, its hard to capture our attention. But when I glimpsed an email saying that development studio “Bloober Team” is announcing the first title being developed exclusively for the iPad, and their calling it “Gender Wars: The Battle”, I couldn’t help but sit up and take notice. When I then read that the lead designer described the game like this,
“In a way, and I understand that it’s bit bold to say, we would like to create something similar to Metal Gear Solid for iPad.”
I start to scratch my head and a confused look passes over my face. Gender Wars? Solid Snake?
But it doesn’t end there so I am posting the original press release in full (minus legally sensitive info, of course) after the break so you can read it for yourself. It’s one of the stranger ones we have ever come across and was either written by some kind of genius, or someone on acid. We’ve also posted the game’s sole screenshot to be released so far. (For those not sure about clicking through, the screenshot does not contain any images of Gender-specific anatomical parts battling it out.)
Here are both the screenshot and the press release:
Epic saga of the future
Krakow, Poland – 5 February 2010 – Games developer and publisher Bloober Team, most famous for its WiiWare super production Last Flight, presents his newest IP – Gender Wars.
About the game
The game is turn based tactic game that will redefine whole tactic games genre with its casual, story-driven approach and easy click&shoot interface. “We wanted to make tactic game that will be easy to pick and play by anyone, in a short burst of 2-3 minutes per game, while offering enough in-depth complexity to play for hours” says Peter Bielatowicz, lead designer of the game.“In a way, and I understand that it’s bit bold to say, we would like to create something similar to Metal Gear Solid for iPad” Bielatowicz continues. “MGS was a stealth game, and stealth games before, like Tenchu, were considered to be more for hardcore players. But MGS was extremely easy to pick and play and so strongly story driven that many casual people were playing it just to follow the storyline and learning more advanced gameplay strategies as they played” he explains. “We want to implement the same flow in our game so a player can choose to focus on the story or the gameplay – according to what he prefers” Bielatowicz adds.
“Most of current tactic or strategy games on the market have very long learning curves and overwhelm player with too many information at once.
It throws off most of casual players. We will show completely different, minimalistic approach in our game” Bielatowicz continues. “We are testing our interface on gamers, and look how they approach the game and what are the first things that come to their mind when trying to perform some command” says Piotr Babieno, one of the game producers. “Then we simply implement our user interface to work this way” Bielatowicz adds.
The game takes place in the post-apocalyptic SF universe, and its storyline involves themes such as time travels, tragic love and epic military operations. “Everyone will find something for himself in the game, from space operas fans to hard military SF geeks” says Paweł Kobyłecki, one of game main screenwriters. “But this is too soon to speak about details at the moment” says Bielatowicz. “We will reveal everything in proper time, starting with series of feature films” he adds.
Comments on iPad
The game is being prepared iPad. “We believe that tactic games will be one of best and most successful games on iPad platform” predicts Babieno. “This kind of touch device with big screen helps you to command your units in most natural and intuitive way” he adds. “You have to also remember that the people will play iPad in longer sessions and with more concentration than they did on iPhone” comments Bielatowicz. “iPad is perfect device for people playing in train or airplane or at home rather than on the move like it was with iPhone. All designers shall keep this in mind when thinking about designing an iPad game” he ends.Teaser for the whole series
One of the most surprising things about the “Gender Wars: The Battle” is that the game alone is a teaser for other upcoming games from the series. It contains only the battle game mode and will focus on gameplay challenges. “It may sound weird, but after first tests of the battle module it turned out to play so well and entertaining on its own that we decided to release it as separate title” Piotr Babieno. “We want to tease players a bit and prepare them for the final game” Babieno explains. “The Battle will be released at very low price, so players can taste our quality without spending much” he adds. “Of course we will listen very closely to all the reactions and use players feedback to improve final game” Bielatowicz ends.“Gender Wars: The Battle” will hit the Apple Store with iPad release in late march. The details of the main game and its schedule are still kept secret.
###
About Bloober Team
Founded in 2008 and headquartered in Krakow, Poland, Bloober Team is an independent videogame developer focused on creating the highest quality digitally-distributed content.All trademarks or registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
That was it. Are you interested? Confused? Both? Will you give the game a wide berth, or do they already have you excited to pick a gender and start going at it? Leave a comment and let us know.
If CES Has Its Way, We’ll All Be Looking Like Idiots by 2011
With the Consumer Electronics Show in full-swing, one thing has become crystal clear: the electronics industry is hell-bent on making consumers look like complete tools by the end of the year. By “tool” I mean, “Who is that dork sitting on the sofa wearing the nerdy 3D glasses?”
3D TVs are all the rage. Every major television manufacturer, and a few minor ones, are jumping on the bandwagon without hesitation. ESPN and DirecTV have both announced imminent, full-time 3D channels. Sony has finalized their specifications for 3D Blu-Ray and the industry will have the home version of Avatar to use as consumer-bait.
But…we’re still going to look like complete tools with our 3D glasses.
Is this really what the consumers wants? Probably not. I think it is safe to say we want 3D without the frickin’ glasses. It’s not just the aesthetic-hit your once macho appearance will take, but the real, cold hard facts of reality that will take its toll. WTF am I talking about?
I’m talking about your dog munching on your beloved pair of 3D glasses while you are at work. I am talking about your rug-rat kids bending, throwing, playing and breaking your 3D glasses. I am talking about your 3D glasses disappearing under the sofa or between the cushions. I am talking about your big, fast ass sitting down hard on that pair of 3D glasses.
3D glasses only work in theory and the safety of an IMAX theater. All other locations will spell constant hassle and small-scale disasters.
Hence, this brave new world they want us so desperately to enter will only work sans glasses.
Beyond the hurdles of every-day life we have the tech itself. Everything on display at CES is first-generation technology without a unified standard. Early-adopters will undoubtedly be screwed by the time the second generation is greatly improved and enhanced. The 3D TV you buy today could be tomorrow’s HD-DVD.
So wait. Be patient. What is available now will be considered garbage by CES 2011, a date that will hopefully see a whole new generation of 3D that can be attained without glasses and the punishing hit to your fashion sense.
Microsoft’s Game Room is Doomed to Fail
Microsoft made an announcement at the Consumer Electronics Show about the forthcoming spring release of Game Room, a new virtual space for players to hang out as their avatars and play classic/vintage arcade video games. Sounds fine as a basic description, but my intuition says this will be a bust.
There are several issues that will get in the way of Game Room’s success. First up we have the games themselves. Game Room will be launching with approximately 30 titles, with a promised 1000 titles within three years. That is a ton of shit and I mean that quite literally. If you can name me 20 classic video games that actually withstand the test of time, let alone 1000, I’ll send you a virtual medal.
Then there is the pricing, an area where Microsoft really understands the fine art of screwing customers. Players can either pay $5 for a dual-license that allows for PC and Xbox 360 play, or $3 for a single platform. Finally, players can sink 40-points (50-cents) for a single play.
As someone who grew up with the dawn of video games, having played just about every classic arcade title when it was actually available at my local Shakey’s Pizza, I can honestly say the vast majority of those so-called classics sucked. Add classics from vintage home consoles like Intellivision and the Atari 2600 and you have a recipe for complete boredom.
Look, I find value in these old games as museum relics and they are worth a time-limited trip down memory lane, but the overwhelming majority are just awful by today’s standards. There are only a few games from the 70s and 80s that hold up, like Asteroids, Missile Command, Galaga, Defender, Tempest, Star Castle and a few others. As for Atari 2600 games, none will hold your interest beyond a minute or two, perhaps longer if you’re bathing in nostalgia. I mean c’mon, $5 for Sub Hunt? Sea Battle? Outlaw? Ugh.
Microsoft Game Room smacks of a way to attract impulsive consumers into spending money on something that seems cool but will ultimately lead to regret. Besides, every single one of these ancient games can be played on the PC right now, complete with rule sheets and virtual cabinets, using a well-known emulator called MAME. I assume most hardcore gamers already have MAME or had it but grew bored once the novelty wore off.
If I had been in charge of developing the Game Room, I would get rid of 99% of the vintage games, only using the true classics that have aged well, and devoted the rest of the space to new and relevant XBLA (and XNA) titles like Castle Crashers, Space Invaders Extreme, Geometry Wars, etc. This would boost sales of new wares and foster increased multiplayer competition with games people actually want to play.
Unfortunately, I’m not in charge and Microsoft is wasting resources on something that will prove itself an underutilized failure. It wasnt that long ago that Xbox 360 gamers were complaining vociferously about the abundance of crappy vintage games clogging up XBLA. MS seemed to listen and reigned in the number of releases. Now MS is back with a vengeance, eyes on your wallet, hoping you will succumb to memories and ancient passions, futilely chasing Sony’s Home scheme while ripping off Nintendo’s Mii’s, all so you’ll pony up $5 to play Adventure?
Good luck with that.
College Humor writes a complaint to Mario Bros. Plumbing
We’ve all seen Super Mario Bros. parodies before — some that even make Mario a pretty sick and deranged dude. Been there, done that. But, what makes this College Humor video so special — aside from its unusually grody depiction of the brothers Mario — is its surprise ending. We won’t spoil it for you, so you’ll have to click on over if you want to check it out.
College Humor writes a complaint to Mario Bros. Plumbing originally appeared on Joystiq on Wed, 30 Dec 2009 00:45:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.
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Home Shopping Network Tosses Wiimote Accessory Into HDTV
Who says the Home Shopping Network isn’t entertaining? In the video above, posted on Youtube on October 16 by HSN, two sales people show off a special Wii console bundle that includes 15 accessories for the low, low price of only $329.90 (and that’s after a price drop folks!).
While the saleswoman on the right talks about the features and the hot item on many people’s Christmas lists, the salesman on the left gets a little too into his demonstration of Wii Sports tennis while using a third-party tennis racket accessory for his remote. The resulting calamity is simply classic.
Barely 10 seconds after showing a close-up shot of the accessory - which appears to be securely fastened to the remote - the salesman goes for a serve and dislodges the accessory from the Wii remote, hurling it into the HDTV and breaking the screen. This happens despite the salesman using the Nintendo-recommended wrist strap (he clearly shows the remote still in his hand immediately after breaking the TV). The salesman then comments “I didn’t have it on there all the way.” Yeah, sure you didn’t….
I guess nothing sells a video game console like a controller accessory that flies off your remote and breaks your TV, because the saleswoman then showcases the accessory display to the right and notes “These are the accessories that you get - obviously that was the tennis racket flying out of Cory’s arms.” Live product demonstration folks!
But if I was an HSN caller, I’d simply have one question for the sales people: “Does that bloated $130 accessory package come with some sort of liability insurance for when it flies off my remote and breaks my $700 TV?”
Skip to 4:55 to see the action.
Whose is Bigger? Star Trek vs. Star Wars
Being a bit of a Sci-Fi nerd (or is it Sy-Fy now?) , the few friends I have managed to accumulate over the years tend to have similar interests, and whenever a few of us get together one area of disagreement tends to rear it’s ugly head more often then others — Which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars?
While I haven’t discovered anything that gives a definitive answer to which is better, I have come across the answer to which is bigger. Someone named Dan Carlson went to the trouble of compiling an image that features ships from both universes to scale with 1 pixel = 10 meters. Apparently with little else to do in his life, he also added ships from almost every other Science Fiction property that made its way into television and film including things as obscure Lexx and Space: Above and Beyond.
So if size matters (and all Carlson’s distances are accurate), it looks like the Star Wars fans have something to brag about due to the incredible length of the Executor class Destroyer. (Star Trek fans can salvage some pride if they point to the Earth Spacedock and try to make the girth arguement however.) Unfortunately this area of comparison may only start up another bitter debate, especially if one subscribes to the theory that guys with big trucks (or space ships) are only trying to compensate for a deficiency in something else.
So what are you trying to draw attention away from, Star Wars fans? Do you have a little anxiety about your Light Sabers?
Top 10 Best Selling Games
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